We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
