i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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