Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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