I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
