you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
