I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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