went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
