I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
