I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize