She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
