I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
