Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
