Your face is a jimmy john
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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