Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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