Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
