I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
