so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize