well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
