My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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