Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
