hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
