The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Even my vagina gasped.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
