Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
