i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
