my soul wont recognize me after tonight
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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