Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
