i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
