no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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