now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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