I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
