I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
