He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
