she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize