i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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