I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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