i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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