he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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