you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
