Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Randomize
