About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
