I should be sponsored by Trojan
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
