he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
