You're so nebulous sometimes
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
