i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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