I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Randomize
