We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
