While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
