Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
i think im in europe. pls send help
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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