so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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