I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
