ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
