my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
