Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
