When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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