I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
