What did we do last night that was yellow?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
is that a dick in a sweater?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize