if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
